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One would prefer to do it daily, the other once a week is enough and some are happy with a lazy hour a quarter. “It is normal for two people to differ in their needs,” says Danuta Prentki, sex therapist from Düsseldorf. How often couples sleep together therefore varies from person to person – and is by no means a yardstick for a happy relationship.
Michael and his wife Sina haven’t had a happy love life for some time. For years he has been taking back his erotic needs. “I would like to see my wife once or twice a week, but that’s too much for her. We sleep together at most every three months. ”In order to still live out his lust, the 35-year-old surfs the Internet on sex sites or watches sex films, but he feels bad about it. He would prefer a full love life with his wife.
Even if sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, if you suppress your sexuality, it can make you unhappy in the long run. “The consequences are increasing dissatisfaction, hurt withdrawal and frustration,” says Prentki. “A typical warning signal for this is that the relationship level is no longer right, even outside of sexuality, and arguments keep coming back,” says the psychologist.
But there are also deeper reasons for the loss of pleasure that one should discuss with the partner. Is he simply less interested in eroticism or are external influences responsible for it? Hans K. blames professional stress for his listlessness: “I commute two hours a day to my job and work ten hours or more. I just don’t have the strength to have sex at the moment, ”says the 44-year-old. In the opinion of the sex therapist, arguments, starting a family and too much closeness can also reduce the erotic attraction: “Often it is also due to the sexual routine that creeps in over the years.”
Temporary abstinence from sex is not a problem, a good partnership should withstand that. It becomes questionable if the desire does not return or both partners have different ideas. Even if it is difficult: “Reciprocal accusations are counterproductive,” says Prentki. Some couples just need more togetherness to get closer again. “A vacation or a relaxing weekend can work wonders here,” says the expert. For others, a little more distance is good, e.g. B. to go out separately to rekindle the desire. It is also important to overcome speechlessness when it comes to sex. An open conversation is a first step. “Under no circumstances should you put your partner under pressure, reproach him or press him," she advises.
ratgeber.t-online.de: Don’t feel like having sex? What you can do
You have prepared yourself perfectly for the first date when looking for a partner: you have a pretty hairstyle, subtle make-up, learned the latest results of the Bundesliga soccer game by heart and bravely had the latest fluctuations on the stock market explained to you. And yet all of it was of no use. Maybe you adored your dream man too much? We’ll give you five reasons why he may not be interested.
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Turn-off No. 1: Complete self-abandonment
Men feel flattered when they are looked after by a woman. However, that does not mean that you should orient your life completely according to his habits and preferences. Otherwise the initial tingling quickly turns into boredom. It doesn’t have to be: Keep up your hobbies and do something with your friends. The time you spend apart will keep reminding him of how happy you make him and that he can’t wait to see you again.
Turn off # 2: Bad Habits
Are you nervous and looked too deep into the glass during the excitement of the first date or smoked a chain? Don’t let this become a habit. Bad habits, such as smoking and excessive alcohol consumption, put many men on the run. Keep in mind: would you want to meet someone who smells like an ashtray out of their mouth or who has forgotten the beginning at the end of the evening?
Turn off # 3: cheating
It is not easy to stick to the truth, especially in the getting to know each other. After all, people don’t like to peddle facts about career, education or age. At least not if you think they don’t shed a very good light on you. But two or three clicks on the Internet and your little, not mean lie construct is in danger of collapsing. Do you imagine he finds out the truth? You want to save yourself this embarrassment.
Turn off # 4: Lack of confidence
Do you feel too small, too fat, too little successful? Don’t get in your own way on a date; throw those negative thoughts overboard. Sure, we are not on the sunny side of life every day. But if you are consistently in a bad mood and bitter, you achieve exactly the opposite and the alleged weaknesses come into their own. Remember: only those who love themselves can approach others openly and positively. Men appreciate that and love confident women.
Turn-off No. 5: Cheating
Even if you don’t consider yourself a couple yet, it is a breach of trust if you continue to fish in other waters on the side. For men, but also for women, such behavior is an absolute no-go. Consequence: The relationship is over before it has even started. Because if you do not take loyalty seriously at the beginning, it will also tend to fling in the following period.
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A breach of trust can put a heavy strain on the partnership. (Photo: imago) One of the strongest pillars of a relationship is mutual trust. Because this is one of the basic human needs. In a partnership, this feeling only grows over time, until a solid base has formed. But what happens if one of the partners abuses trust? Is there still a future together after that? Psychologist Lisa Fischbach from the online dating agency ElitePartner.de answers these and other difficult questions.
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According to Lisa Fischbach, everyone has their very own basic attitude, which is shaped by experiences in childhood and previous relationships. He brings that into the relationship as start-up capital. "In order for further trust to develop, the partners have to spend time together, ”says the psychologist. "Trust in a relationship says something about the attitude or the expectation of the partner. Those who trust their partner assume that they will continue to orient themselves towards shared values and moral ideas in the future. One assumes that the partner’s statements, stories and promises are correct. ”So trust has a lot to do with reliability and credibility. Building trust is a process that can be sometimes more, sometimes less time-consuming and tedious. Those who experience their partner as honest, reliable and loyal and recognize that they are striving to maintain the agreed cornerstones of the relationship can develop trust more easily.
"There are different motives for this" says single coach Lisa Fischbach. "Often a partner allows himself to do something that violates agreements made – even unspoken ones – and contradicts moral ideas. Anyone who ruthlessly pursues their own wishes and needs behind the back of the other is abusing their trust. ”And then there are those who are given a feeling of power to rise above their partner and abuse their trust. Such people have a problem with their self-esteem and want to feel strong that way. Whatever the purpose, it’s about disappointed expectations. It gets even worse when it comes to important areas of the relationship, such as loyalty, honesty, mutual support. "Behind a breach of trust is often the fear of addressing problems openly and seeing an apparent ‘solution’ in secrecy" knows Fischbach. Your tip: "Do not be afraid of confrontation and talk about what moves you in your relationship, what you are missing. So you can smooth things over in advance. “
According to Fischbach, this is individually different: "Almost all interpersonal relationships are confronted in some way with minor to major breaches of trust. Extramarital affairs, lies, ignorance and a lack of support are often experienced as massive breaches of trust. ”However, a breach of trust in the areas of partnership, friendship and family is more decisive for most people than in the work environment or when promises are not kept in politics. The strength of the disappointment is essential for the manifestations of the breach of trust. Fischbach: "The more important and intimate the area that was touched by the breach of trust, the worse it is felt. “
According to Lisa Fischbach, it depends on how strong the disappointment is and how important the area is that was injured by the misconduct of the partner. the psychologist recommends investigating the cause in an open discussion. "Then everyone has to decide for themselves whether they can forgive or whether the disappointment is irreparable. ”Of course, this is also due to the other person. How does he behave, are his promises for the future credible? Was it the first time or the thousandth repetition. Those who have nothing to hide can take away any feelings of insecurity through openness. If something does happen, it is more constructive to present yourself at the latest at the time of discovery, rather than deny. "Facing problems can help save the relationship. That doesn’t always work: If the injury is too great, forgiveness is often no longer possible. ”If the situation can be cleared up, a crisis can be an opportunity to grow a relationship. To russian women seeking men do this, however, a problem must be identified and also overcome.
What do Boris Becker and Dieter Bohlen have in common? A uniform prey scheme when looking for a partner. But not only the common celebrity, but also the average citizen is sometimes fixed in his choice of partner.